O-bla-di-O-bla-Do

So dear friends and family do not be worried about me. I am healthy, safe, and at the end of the day loving life as always. So I have had some troubles, but who doesn’t?? No one’s problems are greater than anothers, just different. That is the big life lesson my nuns and my Bibi have taught. We all have troubles, but we all get through them somehow. This life in TZ is so special and wonderful. I cannot believe it will all end in a matter of months. Inshallah, I will return someday.
Tears fall …
So the past several months have been my most trying. I went from being ecstatically happy to being an emotional basket-case. I wish I could point out one event that caused it all, but it has been caused by a myriad of reasons. Have no fears dear friends and family, I am slowly but surely getting out of this slump. Maybe this is something I go through every few years, an identity crisis to be exact. Who am I? What meaning do I have in this world? Who are my friends? Am I good at anything I do besides socializing? Is my only role in life is to be the “entertainer”? Am I destined to always be a bridesmaid and never a bride (don’t think I want to get married now, but I have been informed that men are afraid of me, hence the complete lack of a love life). Do people take me seriously? Am I just one big joke?
These questions all came out of what has been happening here in Tanzania. I started to question who are truly my friends in my village and whom are just pretending to be my friends for hopes of getting money from me. I started to become insanely insecure about whether or not my students understand me and whether they do in fact need me as their teacher. My Kiswahili is crap and should be better after 21 months. My old neighbor who moved after his wife died has since written me a letter professing his love to me and asking me to marry him and be a mother to his kids. How sad I am for him. He is looking for a woman who can love his kids as much as his wife did. I do love them, but cannot return his sentiment. It saddens me to write the inevitable rejection letter that I have been post-posing because I know it will cause him great pain. And now I no longer feel comfortable to go and visit their family alone before I depart from here. I might drag Charles with me if he can. Otherwise, I won’t go and see my Kissa and Bitwale. I found out that my counterpart (closest work colleague) has been sleeping with our students for years…this in itself has been one of the hardest to deal with. I also found out that a new young teacher who claims to be all for the development of Tanzanian youth, has been getting our students drunk (he gave one boy 8 beers one night) and has also been sleeping with students. The man just came in February. I also found that he had been transferred to our school for this very reason, but yet he still continues and nothing will be done. As for my counterpart, he is the Second Master (next in command after the headmaster) and since he is highly respected and has a family, nothing will be done. My headmaster is retiring this year and does not want to rock any boats before he leaves. As for my relationship with my teachers, it does not exist. I have found out most, including my counterpart, don’t like the fact that I am so close to the students and talk all sorts of shiot about me. I can deal with this relationship with the teachers, but I do have a problem when it causes problems for my students. Several weeks ago, I sent my peer educators to the local primary school to teach after school. The teacher on duty was not notified and became angry and punished them instead of talking to me. He thought they were playing hooky from school. So therefore one of my boys got beaten down by a stick because of me. I only found out after the fact. The teachers told the boy that they would talk to me. Instead, I learn all of this from my favorite student who confesses all of these mishappenings after the fact. She tells me that there is tension between the students and teachers because of my activities. She tells me that some students are afraid to help me for fear from the rest of the staff. I then ask her what to do? Should I teach only? Or should I continue with my health club and HIV activities? She gave me solid advice and told me to continue because the students love me, but that I need to work on the actual timing. Bless her, she is only 18 and oh so bright. Her name is Oliver and she is the one whose tuition fees I have been paying since I got here. I went and talked to my headmaster about my situation. I also got malaria and had my bag stolen all in one week. I became disheartened by the lack of local and school community support for my big HIV Remembrance week. Furthermore, my babu had been sent to the hospital for respiratory problems. These are just a few of the reasons that have been causing the tears to fall.

Tears dry…
So school has closed for vacation and I remain at school doing review classes with Forms II and IV. Today is the first day I have really relaxed in a really long time. Hence the fact that I have time to write these inner thoughts to you all. I finished all of my students reports and grades. This is quite a tedious task. Luckily we have calculators. I teach about 270 kids so I had to grade all of their exams, tally each of their term grades, and order rankings, and fill out 2 report forms for each student. Bloody hell, makes one love the scan tron machine and computer system we have in place in the states. It does not help that I model all of my tests on the national exams so my tests are the longest, most difficult, and include essays. A total nightmare. But now I am done and can chill with Forms II and IV and have fun teaching again. I also cleaned my office and feel much better. Those who have been seen any of my abodes (office, bedroom, etc.) during my times of stress, all know how much better and relaxed I felt after a good cleaning. Too bad, I am just a naturally disorganized person and cannot keep anything uncluttered for longer than a day. I am also finishing up the syllabi and feel confident that my kids are gonna rock out on their National Exams.
My main Bibi and my nuns all started to notice differences in me…eyes sunk in, losing weight (my family would be ecstatic to see me now), more quiet, etc…This emotional crisis helped me to break down in front of these women, therefore releasing a lot of the demons. They have been so great to me and I know that they love me for me and not because I represent money. Pretty ironic that I, Vicki Mathew, actually represent money. For those who know me best, know that this is irony at its best.
I became upset one day in class and told my kids I was ready to go back to America since they don’t understand me. My favorite student Oliver, wrote me a note that helped to get me out of this slump. She wrote “Dear Madame, Not everyone is going to be able to understand you. This is a normal thing in the world. Do not be pained by this. I want you to know I have never known a teacher who teaches as nicely as you”…I cried when I read this note and have it on my wall. I wonder if this little girl knows how she has helped me so. I also started to change my teaching methodology again so that I can assess my students understanding better. I am also using Form IV students and having them do review lessons with the lower classes. This has made life as a teacher all the more enjoyable.
My HIV Awareness week ended up being a huge success. I think we reached about 1500 people directly with information about HIV prevention, testing, etc.. My local and school community eventually supported my endeavors. We ended the week with a Talent Competition between several schools all featuring acts having messages about HIV. The teachers and local community came out for this and really rallied. I worked in conjunction with Population Services International (PSI) to educate the people of Namabengo. PSI is now boasting about our HIV week to other villages and it is looking like they will also try to replicate. So this feels really good. Sustainability…we shall see if my villagers take some initiative without my prodding.
My friends and family back home, fellow volunteer buddies, and Babu all continue to be a life line that gets me through the roughest of times. My friend Liz from Minnesota is visiting in a few weeks with her buddy Jackie, so it will be good to be away and have someone from home see my life here. Liz was one of my best friends in London when I worked there in 2001.We are going on safari to Ngorongoro Crater and the Serengetti, chill in Songea and Namabengo, and of course hit the Spice Islands (Zanzibar). I am so excited I can hardly stand it. We just had a birthday party for Heidi last night at Babu’s. We made homemade pizza and chocolate cake. Last weekend, we had “Asian Night” at Babu’s and had a meal that almost rivalled the International Feast we had at NFLC in 2003. In Songea, we have a VSO from the Philippines, several JIKA volunteers from Japan, and me the token Indian besides the American PCV’s and Babu our Dutch-Brit-Tanzanian faction. Also we had the Tanzanian houseboys and some random Italian veterinarians….we had a blast and ate our hearts out. Several weekends ago Charles and I met up with other PCV’s in Njombe for a bonfire party. This was the first non-Songea outing I had done in a long time. It was good to get out and see the others. Babu is healthy and not in the hospital anymore. Maria will be leaving in August which will be very sad. We have grown extremely close lately and she has proven to have a great shoulder to lean on. We have a newcomer to our Songea family named Alfie. He is working with the “Miracle Corner of the World” and hails from the Philly area and will be leaving in September. I continue to come to Songea almost weekly and see the regulars (Babu, Charles, Maria, and Keegan). Mike and Bram will come once a month so we all can touch base and be support for each other or just flat out party. We have had non stop visitors this year. It has been really nice to feel the love from so many volunteers, but at the same time I like it when it is just us “ The Songea crew” and we can be the way that we are when we are just us…do you know what I mean? I miss Mark, Melanie, and Alicia terribly, but luckily we all keep in touch. Had phonecalls from the sisters which is always a really big plus. Sadness takes over me as I know I have missed several of my best friends weddings over the past few weeks. I think I am at a count of 20-something weddings missed thus far and 4 babies.

My students are amazing. They are the heart and soul of my existence here. Not to mention all of the gorgeous dirt covered little rugrats whose wounds I bandage up often.
I keep on finding more and more little kiddies sitting on my front porch waiting for me to return home so that I can clean a real or fake wound and bandage them up. Some of them have taught me how to play bao in the dirt. All we need is dirt and rocks. It truly is the greatest game ever played.

As for my relationship with the teachers, I keep my distance without totally isolating myself. They easily forget that I am a teacher here. To them I am a mgeni (guest). To be honest, I am. At the end of the day, these 27 months here will be merely drops in the bucket of my life. To these villagers, their buckets are filled with the constant problems that they face here with no chance of escape. To them, I am on vacation. To them, their entire lives are just one big prison sentence.

I did not come here to save the world. But I did come here to get a better understanding of a truly simple life. I came here to help in whatever way I can. I came here to empower children and others. The list goes on as to why I came here, but I feel like I have “somehow” accomplished the ones mentioned. I will be ready to leave here December 2005. It does break my heart to think of leaving my kids, Bibi, nuns, Babu, dog, house, general lifestyle here…but my heart grows weary and will need a rest.
So my next plan of action is to go to yet another developing country, India, and to become “one” with my people for a year. Of course I don’t think I will be able to achieve complete “oneness” with my people after only a year, but at least I will have a freakin clue about my parents homeland by that time. I am completely aware that I will face the same problems I have had in Tanzania, but “somehow” in different forms as is the case in most of life. I look forward to spending time with my mom and finally understanding her roots. Next year will be a good year. The past 21 months have been amazing and I have no regrets, I will just be ready for a change. I had seriously contemplated staying in Tanzania and working an extra 6 months -1 year, but feel the pull towards India.

My plan is to leave Songea the first week of December with Charles (PCV in Songea), travel around South East Africa with him to South Africa, fly out of Jo-burg to Dubai, meet up with Melanie (our old VSO buddy from Songea now living in Qatar) for two days, then be in Trivandrum, India the second week in January. Charles and Charlie (another PCV) will be my travel bodyguards and we will chill with my mom for a week and then take off touring around India for a few weeks. They will then continue to travel around the world and I will return to Trivandrum and hopefully find some sort of volunteering opportunity in India for the remainder of the year. Then in 2007 travel around the world visiting my peops, land in Alaska and make my way cross country visiting friends and family everywhere until I begin grad school in June 2007. No I have not applied to any schools yet, but have my eye on some and might be East Coast again come 2007. I think my travel bug will be out by then. We shall see, life changes day by day.

I say, this has been a rather dramatic account.